Unconditional (Self) Love
By Shannon Sutherland
It's so hard to be confident and love ourselves every day. Sometimes I wake up and I have a pimple, I have bags under my eyes, or I just don't feel awesome. It takes so much strength for me to be positive and tell myself that, "I rock no matter what."
On days where I have to give myself positive affirmations to turn my negative mind off, I am always very proud of myself. It's not easy but I want my daughter to grow up around people who love themselves, because you never know what surprises life is going to throw at you and when you’ll need to tap in to that inner strength. For example, my good friend was diagnosed with cancer 2 years ago. It was a shock to us all because she is in her twenties and has a very healthy lifestyle. She started chemotherapy and lost all her hair. She had always been very proud of her hair and some days didn't feel confident with her new looks, she wanted to stay in her apartment all day and who can blame her? Loving yourself under normal circumstances is hard enough but when you throw cancer, hair loss, and extreme weight loss into the picture it's like climbing a mountain.
One day she just got tired of hating her new looks, she didn't have the energy anymore. From then on she embraced her body and how it had changed. First she was Mia Farrow and then later Sinead O'Connor. We live in New York City where people love making bold fashion choices so some people thought she had cut her hair on purpose. Now, my friend is cancer free and her hair is slowly growing back. I am proud of her for so many things but mainly for the fact she was able to stay positive and love herself under the toughest of circumstances.
I have another friend who was diagnosed with cancer 2 years ago (pictured). She has been like a grandmother to me so when we were told she only had 2 months to live it was earth shattering. Despite the diagnosis, she lived another 2 years and got to meet my daughter. Three weeks ago, the doctors told her that they were going to stop chemotherapy because there was nothing left that they could do, a hospice service began visiting her house; she had planned on going to a wedding that weekend. Some people thought she should stay at home and rest, others thought she should do whatever made her happy. In the end, she came to the wedding and was the belle of the ball. We all got to party with her one last time and for me it was special because she met my daughter. I have so much respect for her bravery. After losing all her hair, and her body completely failing her, she was still able to muster up enough self confidence and love to go out and party with her friends and family. I am so glad she did because she passed away over the weekend and while I am very sad it is comforting that my last image is of her dancing and smiling.
These two women inspired me before they became ill because they are such positive people, but watching them stay optimistic despite being diagnosed with cancer, made me proud of them. I hope that I can teach my daughter to live her life so that no matter what happens to her or how her appearance changes, she loves herself no matter what.
Having Your Cupcake and Eating It Too
By Shannon Sutherland
Edited by S.Meredith
This week I walked by a poster for the new kid's musical in town, Pinkalicious. It's based on a popular children's book about a girl who loves pink and cupcakes so much that even when her parents tell her to stop eating pink cupcakes she continues to do so and eventually turns the colour pink, in the end she has to go to the doctor to have her "pinkitis" cured. Her doctor orders her to eat as many green vegetables as possible and soon her skin color goes back to normal and everyone is happy. At first glance I thought I would take my daughter to see this musical. I like pink, cupcakes, musicals, and the ticket prices are reasonable. What's not to love? Before I purchased the tickets I went to the bookstore to read Pinkalicious. The pictures were cute and so was the story line but something about it just didn't sit right with me. On my walk home it hit me. The obsessive way that the little girl eats her cupcakes and then eats her vegetables reminds me of the way an over eater who is addicted to food eats. I have struggled with over eating my whole life and whenever I go through a rough patch my therapist asks me, "Are you eating with hunger and fullness?". My therapist urges me to eat when I am hungry and to eat slowly so that I can feel when I am full.
The moral of Pinkalicious is that children shouldn't eat tons of sweets and that they should eat lots of vegetables. While this is a good message I feel like the story misses out on an opportunity to teach children about moderation and balance. When the heroine of Pinkalicious eats a lot of vegetables to get better she is still over eating because she is using food to fix her problem instead of using food for the only thing it can really do... fuel her body. Eating tons of vegetables after you have eaten tons of "unhealthy" foods doesn't magically make you healthy; having a varied diet and consuming a moderate – not too little, not too much – amount of food at meals that consist of vegetables, fruits, proteins, and yes even cupcakes, does, however.
I wish eating a nutritious and balanced diet was as simple as it is in Pinkalicious. I also wish we could all go to a doctor and be told to do one thing and be cured of our "Pinkitis", "Chocolitis", or "IceCreamitis". Unfortunately, real life is much more complicated. That's why instead of teaching our kids that the only way to fix a day of eating too many sweets is to eat just as many vegetables, we should be teaching them to enjoy all kinds of food, and healthy eating habits, so that they can have their cupcake and eat it too... without turning pink in the process!
Olivia the Pig: Positive Media
By Shannon Sutherland
Edited by S.Meredith
Before we had our daughter my husband and I were against letting our future child watch television. When we had an actual child we realized we needed something to occupy our daughter's attention when we were doing things like cooking dinner or just taking a break. Our main problem with television is the advertisements and the way that children's physical appearance in most cartoons are depicted. I have talked about the thin waisted and big chested Princess Merida of Disney's Brave. Unfortunately, this is true of many heroines on television.
One day while my daughter and I were at our local bookstore a book by Ian Falconer with minimalistic drawings and a pig in a red dress caught my daughter's eye. She sat down and looked at the pictures for a good thirty minutes so I did what any parent would do, I bought the book in hopes that it would continue to entertain my active toddler. Luckily, the pig in the red dress has continued to captivate my child.
I soon learned that her name is Olivia and she is a six year old pig who loves red. When asked if she wants to be a football player she says no she wants to be the coach so she can be in charge; she then says she wants to own the football team so she can be in charge of the coach. This kind of "take charge" attitude is something you don't always see in books and programs directed towards young girls. My husband and I recognized this and because of Olivia's attitude we have encouraged our daughter's obsession with her. We even let her watch the Olivia television show which she LOVES.
Now 10 months after we first met this pig my daughter has had an Olivia themed birthday, owns every book, and dances whenever she hears the Olivia theme song. My husband and I know every episode by heart and, to be honest, are getting a little sick of Olivia. But even on days when I can't get the Olivia theme song out of my head I am still truly thankful for her. She is one of the few girl cartoon characters that bucks trends and doesn't have an over sexualized body. Olivia doesn't have much of a waist and she doesn't have breasts because she is six. She looks her age and her body is realistic.
In a world full of Barbies and Disney Princesses I am proud of my daughter's fondness for this little piglet. I hope she continues to enjoy her television programs and if she grows out of them finds a new role model with just as much character and with a body that is age appropriate and realistic. Well, it's realistic Iif you don't count the pig hooves, snout, and ears.
Puppy Love
By Shannon Sutherland
Edited by S.Summers
My daughter loves puppies, the third word she learned to say was actually puppy. She does not discriminate. She loves dogs of all sizes, shapes, and colors. When she sees a dog she screams "Puppy!" and if she doesn't get to pet it she starts to cry. I love puppies as well. Three years ago when we decided to get a dog I learned so many lessons including the importance of napping, cuddling, and 'puppy loving myself'. Let me explain.
If you go to any veterinarian they will all say give your dog lots of exercise and nutritious food. They will weigh a dog for dosage reasons but most veterinarians determine if a dog is healthy by their breathing, heart, and teeth. They don't simply look at a number on a scale. Why? Because dogs are diverse in their builds, so their weight is not a primary indicator of health. My dog is the exact same age and height as his girlfriend Winnie, she is an English Bulldog. It would be ridiculous to compare her weight with my dog who is a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel. Why then is the health of humans judged so predominantly by weight, height, BMIs, and percentages? Humans are all built differently, with various frames and proportions. I always joke that my dog has better health care and insurance than I do, and sadly in regards to weight and self image he does.
If someone said they wanted their English Bulldog to lose some weight and look like a Greyhound they would be considered insane, because no matter how much a bulldog diets it will never look like a Greyhound. So instead of trying to change their bulldogs owners rejoice in how unique their dog is and focus on giving their dog enough exercise and wholesome food so that their dog is happy and healthy... not because they want to change the way their dog looks.
I still talk to my therapist all the time about this because it is a difficult concept to apply to day to day life. Yet it is very important. If everyone started accepting humans for who they are and loving themselves because of their differences, a lot of our culture's problems with self image and eating issues would disappear. So, whenever I feel insecure about my looks I try and give myself some puppy love; which means I give my self the same acceptance, free of judgement or critique, and adoration that we give to a puppy.
Waxing Worries
By Shannon Sutherland
Edited by S.Meredith
This week I received the promotion shown left, by email (ad reads: 'During the month of July girls 15 and under can enjoy their first waxing experience and find it natural, safe and pleasant.', and '50% off all girls 15 and younger.'). I am very disturbed by it. I showed it to my husband and he was freaked out as well. We already feel it is inappropriate for young girls to wear bikinis, so to see this image of a young child with her pelvis thrust out implying that she is happy because she finally got her first wax was something I didn't need to see at 8am on a Monday morning. I use this company to get various waxes so this email was not spam. I asked my husband what he would say if our daughter wanted to get waxed at age 14, he said he would simply tell her no. I didn't go to a salon for a wax until I was about 22. I had thought about it for a while but in my late teens I couldn’t afford it, and I was also afraid of the pain and embarrassed to be naked around a stranger. As I young girl I felt very self conscious about my pubic hair showing when I was in a swimsuit so I would wear swimsuits with "boy shorts" so I didn't have to deal with the anxiety of visible stray hairs.
I know mothers who let their daughters get bikini waxes. It is actually very common in NYC. The woman who does my waxing says she sees a girl under 15 at least once a day. I am almost certain that when my daughter is older at least a couple of her friends will be allowed to get waxed. It is my decision that I will tell my daughter she is not allowed to get waxed until she is 18 and can pay for it herself. But I will help her pick out a swimsuit that covers her so she feels confident at the pool. Which leads me to what I believe to be the underlying problem - the majority of swimsuits for young girls and even babies are subliminally sexual. I let my daughter play in the water naked but would never put a bikini on her. When I see a girl her age in a bikini it makes me uneasy because the swimsuit emphasises the areas of the body that are covered which are the parts that are culturally considered synonymous with sex, and the objectification of females. No part of her body should be considered sexual yet. You can buy bikinis for new born babies yet it is very hard to find one-piece swimsuits for girls and babies. I spend a lot of time finding swimsuits that cover up as much of my daughter as possible because she is a fair skinned red-head and I don't want her to get sunburn. Usually I end up resorting to purchasing swimsuits with swim shirts, in the boys clothing section.
I honestly don't understand why it is so hard to find one piece swimsuits for girls. Not only are bikinis impractical and unhealthy, leaving children and babies skin more prone to burns and potential skin cancer, but do three month old babies really need to be wearing swim wear such as bikinis which sexualise their bodies? The link between the sexualisation of children is quite clearly linked to the normalisation of premature primping and preening. If children weren’t encouraged to wear bikinis and behave and think far beyond their years, they wouldn’t be queuing up for waxes!
Princess Perfection
By Shannon Sutherland
Edited by S.Meredith
This week I took my daughter to see her first movie in an actual theatre. My husband and I were nervous because we were afraid she would cry the whole time. Luckily, my daughter was amazed by Disney/Pixar's Brave and couldn't take her eyes off the movie screen. She even laughed a couple of times. It was a success!
I have to admit I had some ulterior motives about going to see the movie Brave. I love Disney movies and grew up worshipping all the Disney Princesses. I have always had very curly and unruly hair, sometimes it hurts just to brush it. I got made fun of a lot at school because of its frizzy appearance. The fact that all of the princesses have had straight or perfectly coiffed hair made my hatred for my own hair even worse. I would wake up two hours before school to straighten my hair. I started doing this at age 10 and remember being very tired for my classes. The worst part was that the slightest drop of rain or humidity in the air would mean that my hair would go curly again, and I felt humiliated. Why couldn't I have perfect hair like the princesses in Disney movies? One morning, I burnt my forehead accidentally with the straightening iron. It hurt so bad that I decided to never straighten my hair again. As I grew up I gradually learned to love my curly hair. When I saw the poster for the movie Brave I was so excited! A Disney princess with red curly hair! I wanted my daughter to see this movie as soon as it came out and wished it was around when I was a kid. I was really happy with the portrayal of Princess Merida. She prefers horse riding to tea parties, is a talented archer, and the touching depiction of the mother daughter relationship made me cry. My favorite part about her is that she doesn’t need a prince charming to save her because she is quite capable of saving herself.
On the way home we stopped by a toy store. I was so happy about Disney's curly haired heroine I wanted to buy a Princess Merida doll for my daughter. Then I was hit with the one part of Princess Merida that I am not thrilled about; her waistline. Every Disney Princess has always had the exact same body shape. They all have huge boobs and a waist that is only achievable if you get a couple ribs removed. The other characters in these Disney movies are either, chubby and goofy, or have the exact same body size as the princesses. There is no inbetween. The very clear stereotypical implication being – if you’re round, you’re redeeming feature is that you’re funny; if you’re thin, you’re loveable and admirable. Merida's mother, Queen Elinor, has the same size waistline as her daughter, despite the fact she has had 4 four kids. Looking at the Queen Elinor doll triggered feelings of insecurity because I don't look that thin after having only one child. Why they can't Disney depict women with a variety of realistic body types?
Since my daughter is too young to really want a Princess Merida doll we decided against the purchase. I talked to my therapist the next day about the Princess Merida and Queen Elinor dolls. Now I am able to get away with not buying these dolls without having to explain it to my daughter. But what happens when she is older and asks for one of these dolls or a Barbie for Christmas? My therapist says that if I completely deny my daughter these toys it might make them more desirable. I agree but I can't say I am happy with buying her toys that represent an impossible ideal.
My husband and I have decided to let her see these movies and play with these dolls as long as we explain to her first that like the talking fish and seagull in the Little Mermaid, Princess Ariel is also a fictional character, and her physical characteristics are as much fiction and ‘unreal’ as the story line is. This is the best we can come up with right now but I am not completely happy with it. While I understood that candle sticks, tea pots, and clocks don't talk like they do in Disney's Beauty and the Beast, I couldn’t identify for myself that the idealistic Belle was also a fantasy and make believe; I still desperately wanted to be thin and have perfect hair just like her.
The good news is a I have a couple of years before my daughter faces the onslaught of commercials and cultural ideals so hopefully I can come up with an appropriate response that I am happier with. Or even better, maybe Disney will make a movie about a princess with a different body type than all the others...
The Blind Weigh In
By Shannon Sutherland
Edited by S. Meredith
Hi, my name is Shannon. I am a blogger, stand-up comedian, wife, and the mother to a baby girl, and dog. Unfortunately, I am also a recovering eating disorder addict. I say recovering because even though I am not active in my disorder I still have lingering thoughts about how I should lose weight. I am an addict because despite years of therapy, I am not always successful in silencing the voice of the little girl who just wanted a waist line as small as the Disney Princess’ she grew up admiring.
I am very excited to be writing for the Love You Project, the name of my weekly column is Baby Weight; a multi layered concept. From the second a woman gets pregnant her weight is scrutinized by everyone. People comment on whether you have a boy or girl belly; strangers touch your stomach without permission; people exclaim you’re ‘so big you must be due any day now’ when, actually, you only just hit your second trimester. Once your baby is delivered strangers offer advice on how to lose the baby weight, and offer congratulations if you lose it quickly. The same people make snide remarks if you do not. Unfortunately, newborn babies face the same scrutiny as their mothers, surrounding their weight. If we are lucky enough we get to be held in our mother's arms for a couple of seconds before we are put on a scale and have our weight shouted across the delivery room like it's a football game score. We can't leave the hospital unless our weight is acceptable, and once we get home we are faced with a series of ‘well baby’ check-ups that defines our weight in percentiles. We aren't just a baby. We’re a baby in the 50th percentile, 75th percentile, or 25th percentile. Mothers and children can't hide from the judgment surrounding their baby weight.
Once my husband and I decided we wanted to have a baby I decided to go back into therapy, with the therapist who had helped me with my eating disorder. It was a good but costly decision considering health insurance companies in The United States cover little of the costs surrounding mental health. I was nervous about the financial burden of paying for weekly therapy sessions but the last thing I wanted was for my former illness to creep back into my life and harm my future child.
After I had begun therapy, I went to see my OB. She said I was completely healthy but if I wanted to get pregnant I would need to lose some weight. Well, she sure was wrong because 2 weeks after that appointment I found out I was expecting. I found a new OBGYN and started the overwhelming task of having a healthy pregnancy.
The word healthy has become confusing and gratuitous in today's society. We hear how important it is to be healthy all the time but what does this really mean? My Body Mass Index has always put me in the overweight category. Even after living on a diet of 400 calories a day I was still considered fat by BMI standards. When I became pregnant I decided with the help of a doctor, therapist, and nutritionist that I would not focus on my weight gain but just try to work with feelings of hunger and fullness, and exercise moderately. We also decided that I would be blind weighed so that I could not become upset about the increasing number on a scale.
I craved yogurt for most of my pregnancy and if I did not eat enough I became dizzy. My pregnancy was not considered high risk so I was still able to walk my dog for 2 hours each day and practice yoga. I also have to walk everywhere because I live in New York City. I led a very active lifestyle and was able to laugh off comments about how I must be having a Christmas baby even though I wasn't due till March. My OBGYN and the nurses working with him were very understanding about my issues and were good about the blind weigh ins so I had no idea how much I was gaining. All systems were go for a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby.
When I was 8 months pregnant I went for a routine check-up with my asthma doctor. I told the nurse I wanted to be blind weighed and explained to her what that meant and the reasons behind it. She said ok but then weighed me and told me my weight. I was crushed. I had gained well over twice as much as the 25-45 pounds women are told to gain in order to have a healthy pregnancy. I had done everything my OBGYN, therapist, and nutritionist said to do but decided that I must be unhealthy because that’s what the numbers equated to on the scale.
At my next prenatal check-up I was convinced something was horribly wrong with me or my baby. I couldn't believe I had gained so much weight and felt like I was a bad mother, even though my baby wasn't even born yet. I thought maybe I had preeclampsia or some other complication. I regretted my choice to not regularly weigh myself and felt like I should of counted calories so that I only consumed the extra 200 calories a day women are told they need to eat in order to have a healthy pregnancy. I had never wanted to be one of those thin Hollywood moms that gains barely any weight I’d only wanted a healthy baby. Where had I gone so horribly wrong? Consulting my OBGYN, he told me that I was completely healthy and so was my baby. I was shocked. I began to question him as though he were on trial. Finally, he shouted, "Keep doing what you are doing and I will tell you if and when your weight becomes a problem!"
I did my best to ignore the 80 plus pounds of baby weight I had gained and continued on my quest to have a healthy pregnancy. Not long after, I got my wish and experienced a labor and delivery free of complications, and gave birth to a full term, healthy, baby girl. It felt like a miracle considering the anxiety I had experienced at gaining the ‘unhealthy’ weight. I thought that my journey was finished but little did I know, it had only just begun and it was about to get way more complex.
I have used the word healthy many times in this article, in many different contexts. I tried to find a different word to use but came up empty handed. I truly wish there were another term to use in its place, in this context, because the word healthy is thrown around so much that it has lost it's meaning. Interestingly, the primary definition for ‘healthy’ in the dictionary is ‘free of disease’.
I will not pretend to be an expert in medical or mental health. I write this column from the depths of my heart and hope to share with you my experiences so that you might learn something from my successes as well as my mistakes. I also want to tell my story in hope that those reading might be able to share advice or insights with the LYP community and women as a collective. I am humble, eager to learn, and my goal is as simple as it is complex. To raise a disease free daughter in a diseased world.
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